Lockdown Diary: Training

I start my funeral celebrant training tomorrow with Humanists UK, from 10am to 4pm. I wonder what it’s going to be like? The instructors seem really nice so I have high hopes. I’ve decided to start with funerals instead of weddings, as humanist weddings aren’t yet legal in England, meaning you need to have a civil service as well for your marriage to be official. However, humanist weddings are legal in Scotland and the uptake for them has grown a lot. I’m hoping the same thing will happen in England next year.

Of course, weddings are currently suspended in the whole of the UK. Such crazy times. It seems unthinkable that mass gatherings will ever be held again. This Guardian article says coronavirus distancing may need to continue until 2022! Absolutely surreal.

This post has been made possible by my awesome Patreon supporters Peter Weilgony, Ricky Steer, Charlie Brooker, Mary and Tim Fowler, Steve Richards, Alan Brookland, Mark Ormandy, Oliver Vass, Keith Bell, John Fleming, Mark Bailey, Rebekah Bennetch, Matthew Sylvester, Brian Engler, Jack Scanlan, Dave Nattriss, MusicalComedyGuide.com, Aragorn Strider, Mark White, Lucy Spencer, Shane Jarvis, Emily Hill and Marcus P Knight.

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Lockdown Diary: Thriva

The eight-year-old has spent the past day building her first website for kids, Learning to Love Lockdown, and her Uncle Graham has very kindly designed a brilliant logo for it!

Hopefully she’ll become a techpreneur and earn a million by the time she’s 18…

In other news, I’ve been thinking about my health. My mum thinks I might be Type 2 diabetic as she’s pre-diabetic. Fortuitously, I got a promo code for a cheap test from a health service that’s been following me around the internet, called Thriva. You send them a fingerprick sample of your blood and they analyse it and let you know how healthy you are (and, in my case, whether I’m diabetic or not).

Three months later, after eating incredibly healthily in my case, you repeat the process (which will cost £79, which is almost as painful as giving the blood sample!) and learn how your markers have changed. Hopefully they’ll have improved – it’ll be fascinating to see.

I should receive the test kit in the post in the next few days, so will blog about it. Watch this space!

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Lockdown Diary: Teenager

I have given birth to a teenager! I didn’t realise until yesterday, when the eight-year-old asked to try on a black sequinned dress I’d bought for when I’m skinny again. When she put it on, I was shocked to see an 18-year-old staring back at me.

I half-expected her to say ‘Right Mum, I’m off clubbing – I’ll see you in the morning!’ It kind of shook me up and made me think how fleeting childhood is – in just ten days, she’ll turn nine, and be exactly halfway through her childhood.

Luckily her size 1 feet are still tiny in my size 6 boots! She was also very taken with my red leopard print boots that I wore on the cover of The Times a few years ago. ‘These aren’t hard to walk in at all!’ she enthused. ‘If my feet were the same size, it would be easy. People always say that walking in high heels is hard, but it’s not.’

In younger more childlike news, we made ‘corner bookmarks’, using instructions from Lily’s new favourite book, 101 Things for Kids to Do on a Rainy Day.

I made one for her:

She made one for me:

And she made one for her younger half-sister, whose name also starts with L:

She also became engrossed in The Girls’ Book of Secrets, while drinking some very healthy apple juice:

And, in an unusual display of helpfulness, she helped me water the plants.

And we went out and sat in the garden in the sun, marvelling at how blue the sky was.

I think Lily must be part-German, as she loves rocking socks with sandals!

This post has been made possible by my awesome Patreon supporters Peter Weilgony, Ricky Steer, Charlie Brooker, Mary and Tim Fowler, Steve Richards, Alan Brookland, Mark Ormandy, Oliver Vass, Keith Bell, John Fleming, Mark Bailey, Rebekah Bennetch, Matthew Sylvester, Brian Engler, Jack Scanlan, Dave Nattriss, MusicalComedyGuide.com, Aragorn Strider, Mark White, Lucy Spencer, Shane Jarvis, Emily Hill and Marcus P Knight.

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Lockdown Diary: Doings

Thank you all very much for your plumbing help. Today I’ve had more plumbing troubles, but now they’re the internal variety, if you catch my drift. Which still necessitates spending time in the bathroom…

I’m still working my way through a To Do list I made on Sunday. I’ve ticked ‘unblock drains’ as I’ve done as much as I can. I’m tempted to buy a ‘drain snake’ (thanks Keith) but given the trouble I had putting the trap back on, I think I’ll just wait for my ex to come down and solve the problem. We have a saying in our house: ‘Leave it to Graham!’

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Lockdown Diary: Bathtime!

My bath is refusing to drain and is thoroughly disgusting. Since there’s about as much chance of getting a plumber during lockdown as there is of getting the Queen to do backflips in my garden (you’re welcome to Queenie, if you’re reading this), I had to roll up my sleeves and get dirty.

I assumed that there was some kind of blockage that was stopping the bath from draining, so I mopped up all the scummy water in the bathtub and got to work.

Firstly, I took the plunge. No, I didn’t dive into the bath – I used a plunger and squelched it up and down on the plughole. When I filled the bath again, it didn’t drain, so I abandoned the plunging. I also tried to stick some jewellery pliers down the plughole and managed to fish out two big clumps of hair, but the bath still didn’t drain.

Next, following cleaning guru Mrs. Hinch’s instructions, I poured bicarbonate of soda down the drain, followed three minutes later by distilled vinegar, and ten minutes later by a kettle full of boiling water. The bath quickly filled with water and scum again and smelt like boiling vinegar, which was incredibly foul and made me want to puke! So that was a non-starter.

At this point, I called my ex-husband. He used to be a labourer and has 23 years’ experience in the building trade, so he knows his stuff. With the aid of FaceTime, he talked me through taking the bath panel off and removing the trap from the U-bend. I had to lie down on my side on the floor, unscrew both threaded ends and then stick a broom handle down the pipe to try and dislodge any blockage. A load of silt and stones came out but nothing major. However, I felt like a boss when I managed to get the trap back on successfully and it didn’t leak!

After my foray into the U-bend, I hoped that the silt and stones were the blockage. However, then I brushed my teeth in the bathroom sink and the bath filled up with water and scum again, so there’s something deeper going on here, which I’ll ask my ex to investigate after we leave self-isolation. The whole exercise was a bit futile, but it was interesting nonetheless, though I currently have no plans to become a plumber.

I’ve spent most of the day clearing up the mess in my bathroom. But hey, what else is there to do during lockdown?!

This post has been made possible by my awesome Patreon supporters Peter Weilgony, Ricky Steer, Charlie Brooker, Mary and Tim Fowler, Steve Richards, Alan Brookland, Mark Ormandy, Oliver Vass, Keith Bell, John Fleming, Mark Bailey, Rebekah Bennetch, Matthew Sylvester, Brian Engler, Jack Scanlan, Dave Nattriss, MusicalComedyGuide.com, Aragorn Strider, Mark White, Lucy Spencer, Shane Jarvis, Emily Hill and Marcus P Knight.

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Lockdown Diary: Song

I wrote a list of things I missed yesterday, to be sung to the tune of My Favourite Things:

Things That I Miss

Hand sanitizer and my Nana’s laughter
Not disinfecting my shopping straight after
Swedish massages and romantic bliss
These are a few of the things that I miss

Asking ‘how are you?’ without any subtext
Standing pressed up to the man in the queue next
Coughing in public with nothing amiss
These are a few of the things that I miss

Andrex Quilts loo roll and Tesco fusilli
Baked beans and sardines and a long hard willy
Warm sexy cuddles, a lingering kiss
These are a few of the things that I miss

When I feel hot
When I feel weak
With a suspicious cough
I simply remember the things that I miss
And then I don’t feel pissed off

(I haven’t gotten ill yet, touch wood. Though touching wood is something I miss too!)

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Lockdown Diary: Motivation

My diet is going brilliantly, thanks to the eight-year-old. She put the following notices on the kitchen snack cupboards full of biscuits:

I think I’m actually going to succeed at my diet this time!

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Lockdown Diary: Pranks

The eight-year-old has just gone back to her dad’s after a wonderfully fun-filled and frankly exhausting week. She got her requested early birthday present of a science prank set from her grandma, and decided to try out some of the pranks on me. The impact of the pranks was somewhat negated by the fact that she told me in advance that she was going to prank me!

To start with, she moulded a piece of poo-coloured clay into the shape of a poo, placed it on the floor, pointed at it and asked innocently, ‘Mum, what’s that?’

‘A fake poo,’ I replied (I am nothing if not a spoilsport).

When I had a siesta, she re-moulded the poo-coloured clay into the shape of a tarantula and placed it on my pillow next to me.

When I woke up, I merely thought ‘Oh, it’s that poo-coloured clay again!’ To be fair, spiders aren’t generally the colour of poo. If it had been black, that might have been a different matter.

Next she made a whoopee cushion out of two balloons, a cardboard tube and two rubber bands. Tragically, it didn’t work, letting out a barely audible hiss when I sat on it. ‘My real farts are a million times louder than that!’ I pointed out.

A bottle which sprayed water everywhere when the cap was opened was slightly more successful, but was also a one-time-use-only prank.

In non-prank news, the eight-year-old also attempted to make a pyramid of cards, but couldn’t get past this level.

For the rest of the day, she got distracted by trying on my clothes and posing in them. They’re too big, but only just! I give it three years before my wardrobe is officially hers.

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Lockdown Diary: Spa day

Beauty salons across the nation have closed their doors, but who needs a pricey spa day when you can enjoy one in the comfort of your own home? Held yesterday, ours admittedly did require some child labour, but I’m sure you’ll agree the benefits were worth it.

Behold the eight-year-old in her silk kimono! She managed not to kill any foxes while wearing it too, which was an achievement, though she is strongly pro-Remain.

Our friend John always sings ‘Lily the Pink’ to her, and later on in the spa day, we realised that her kimono was covered in pink lilies!

To start with, I applied a clay mask to her face. Her skin is perfect so it was completely unnecessary, but it made her happy.

Then she relaxed with slices of cucumber over her eyes.

It reminded me that when she was little (well, younger – she still is little!) she couldn’t pronounce ‘cucumber’ and used to call it a ‘coombaba’. I thought this was delightful and encouraged her to say it. My mother, on the other hand, told her firmly that it was called a cucumber and made her say ‘cucumber’ until ‘coombaba’ was a thing of the past.

I was very upset, but conceded that it couldn’t last. After all, if at the age of 33 she went to the Ritz, then wailed down the phone at me, ‘I asked for coombaba sandwiches and they laughed at me!’ then I would probably have failed as a mother.

Next, she asked me to paint her toenails ‘red and pink and red and pink and red!’ So I obliged, using polishes from a non-toxic set of nail varnishes I got her ages ago.

She was so pleased with the effect, she asked me to repeat the process on her fingernails.

Next, it was my turn. I really tried to get out of it, but the eight-year-old wanted to pretend to be a beauty therapist! So she daubed clay all over my face. Please excuse my Denis Healey-esque eyebrows, but these are extenuating circumstances.

I have to say, cucumber slices do absolutely nothing for one’s appearance! Though it probably didn’t help that I cut them super-thickly.

Then Lily insisted on painting my toenails. Again, please excuse the absolute state of my feet! The look of glee on Lily’s face makes up for the indignity though.

All in all, I think the spa day was a success. Foxes alive, no embarrassing pronunciations, and no one accidentally ate the cucumber. Result!

This post has been made possible by my awesome Patreon supporters Peter Weilgony, Ricky Steer, Charlie Brooker, Mary and Tim Fowler, Steve Richards, Alan Brookland, Mark Ormandy, Oliver Vass, Keith Bell, John Fleming, Mark Bailey, Rebekah Bennetch, Matthew Sylvester, Brian Engler, Jack Scanlan, Dave Nattriss, MusicalComedyGuide.com, Aragorn Strider, Mark White, Lucy Spencer, Shane Jarvis, Emily Hill and Marcus P Knight.

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Lockdown Diary: Jigsaws

My friend John made me laugh. He said ‘Won’t someone think of the burglars? How are they supposed to burgle with everyone staying home all the time?!’ Perhaps they need their own coronavirus stimulus package…

The eight-year-old and I are still enjoying doing arts and crafts. Yesterday I made her a newspaper skirt and a top out of a bin liner, and she looked surprisingly stylish!

Today we tried to make a jigsaw. First we needed a base, so I used the box for Lily’s giant chocolate Easter egg.

Then we needed a picture for the jigsaw, so used a pretty flower postcard and stuck two sheets of card on the back.

Lily cut out the pieces, but found cutting through three sheets of card very difficult.

Then she started trying to do the jigsaw puzzle:

But it was very difficult because the edges weren’t clearly delineated, and this is as far as she got.

She wasn’t happy!

But the process was fun. This afternoon we’re going to do a ‘spa day’, with face masks and cucumber slices. Pictures to follow!

This post has been made possible by my awesome Patreon supporters Peter Weilgony, Ricky Steer, Charlie Brooker, Mary and Tim Fowler, Steve Richards, Alan Brookland, Mark Ormandy, Oliver Vass, Keith Bell, John Fleming, Mark Bailey, Rebekah Bennetch, Matthew Sylvester, Brian Engler, Jack Scanlan, Dave Nattriss, MusicalComedyGuide.com, Aragorn Strider, Mark White, Lucy Spencer, Shane Jarvis, Emily Hill and Marcus P Knight.

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