Notes for my future boyfriend

I’m not sure about romantic love anymore. So many men professed to love me when I was skinny and beautiful, and when I was fat and plain they were nowhere to be found! So please be aware that I’m sceptical. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun and companionship and kindness and closeness.

I have a wonderful daughter who is the best thing in my life. I will always place her before you, and I’d expect you to understand that and to place your kids before me, if you have them. My daughter Lily will always have my heart. In my experience, you probably won’t.

I’ve been through a lot of things in relationships that mean I don’t trust men easily anymore: domestic violence during pregnancy, emotional abuse, rape, sexual assault – and, on a much lesser scale, my best friend of 20 years calling off our engagement after three days when he got cold feet, after telling me to post the happy news on Facebook. I know now that you don’t truly know someone until you’ve lived with them and have been through tough times together.

All the same, I’d love to meet someone to share my life with. Life is meant to be shared.

My good points: I’m funny, witty and entertaining, though this particular blog comes across as earnest and guarded, because that’s how I’m feeling this morning. I’m reasonably smart and can give you a run for your money at chess, backgammon and Scrabble. I’m politically liberal, though open to different points of view. I’m a good listener and a good talker. I’m open and honest and laugh a lot. I’m a fun party host, an enthusiastic cook and an adventurous lover.

My bad points: I’m not that learned and probably don’t read enough, because I didn’t listen at school and spend most of my time writing these days. I don’t know certain things you’d expect someone my age to know. I’m probably way too open. I sleep a lot. I’m quite a jealous person, though it’s something I’m working on. I bear grudges – my best friend says my grudge bank could buy out Goldman Sachs. I struggle with anxiety, have occasional depressive days and am a compulsive eater. I swear way too fucking much.

I don’t have family except for Lily. Don’t question it. If you walked a mile in my shoes, your feet would fall off by the end.

Because I’m often playful, you will probably think you can take the piss out of me or take advantage of me and I won’t care. Wrong. I will probably never forgive you.

I make beautiful jewellery and love the process of creating lovely things and putting them out into the world. My jewellery doesn’t make any money yet. I hope that one day this will change.

I’m wary of telling you what I want from you, because I don’t want you to mould yourself to my expectations to please me. I’d rather you show me exactly who you are.

That said, kindness, respect and honesty go a very long way. Oh, and a dash of humour, though I haven’t quite managed that here.

If you enjoyed this post, please buy me a one-off coffee:

This post has been made possible by my awesome Patreon supporters Peter Weilgony, Ricky Steer, Marc Alexander, Chris Birkett, John Fleming, Mary Clarke, Matthew Sylvester, Brian Engler, Jack Scanlan, Dave Nattriss, Musical Comedy Guide, Mark White, Lucy Spencer, Shane Jarvis, Graham Nunn, Emily Hill and Marcus P Knight.

They receive a whole host of exciting rewards in addition to this credit, including my secret never-published fiction and top secret photos. If you fancy receiving these each week, please support me on Patreon.

Much love to you all.



Posted in Uncategorized

3 thoughts on “Notes for my future boyfriend”

  1. I think if some men find way to Women’s heart through the children they had in previous relationships, you should be able to find the (or a) right man through Lilly.

    Trivial comment : I hate scrabble. Because it has nothing to do with mastery of language or culture. I once won at scrabble by cheating (inventing a word on the spot), which is not cheating as long as nobody calls you on it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s